Bloody Turtles
by Lunamayn
Summary: "Its gunna be alright Mike." How are you supposed to fix being impaled? A goodbye between brothers.
1. Chapter 1

I held him closer. His breaths uneven and barely there. He was dying. My big brother, the one I thought invincible, lay crumpled and bleeding in my arms. He was scared, scared of what life he'd be leaving me and our other brothers to. He'd never show it though, protecting my innocence til his last breath.

I wanted him to know I loved him, make up for all the things I'd never get to say. Let him have all the experiences he'd never get to do. Show him the memories he'd never get to share with me and our brothers. I cradled him with my right arm and had my left pressed against the wound.

He was bleeding out. That much was clear, even to my untrained eye. He'd leave us behind in a matter of minutes. How long he had I didn't know. I'd make them last, so even when the darkness claimed my big brother he'd be smiling. I was always good at that.

Somewhere along the line I messed up. I always did. Maybe if I had begged them to stay home tonight and play video games a little harder, I wouldn't be watching Raphael die.

It had been any other run, we were all supposed to go home and live our lives together as the family we had always been. But when the Foot attacked we had all split up, there were just too many of them for us to take on. We split up, and when Leo found out what had happened after that he'd blame himself.

I wont blame Leo, how was he supposed to know that shuriken would strike Raph in the back of the neck, how was he to know me and Donny's big brother would tumble off the side of the roof, how was our all knowing leader supposed to know that a sharp pipe would break Raphs fall?

I should've taken the hit. This should be me, not Raph. If I had, the broken body of my hotheaded brother wouldn't be gasping for breath in my arms. He hasn't said much, only requesting I pull out that accursed pipe. I hadn't wanted to at first, but when he said it was his final request I couldn't deny him.

The way his face contorted in agony when I had pulled out the pipe will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. He had reared up, his teeth clenched and his eyes closed. It must have been awful, and I wished now that I had just left it in. When he had finally laid back down I wrapped my arms around him, careful as to not disturb his wound.

The gaping hole where he had been skewered. When I had found him, I had made the gut wrenching discovery that there was more pipe than the turtle. He had only asked me to lend him a hand. Like he wasn't a turtle kebob bleeding out in a dark and dirty New York Alley.

"It's gunna be alright Mike." He gently wiped a tear from my eye. I choked on everything I tried to say, so I merely nodded. He wanted his last few moments filled with my voice, but I couldn't give that to him. My voice was gone right alongside my hope. I was an awful brother.

I untied my orange mask and tried to place a little pressure on the hole, the grunt of pain I received in response made me stutter for a moment, but I continued. It was a last ditch effort, my final attempt to save Raphs life. I should call Donny, beg him to find us and reassure me he could save him.

But the look Raph gave me told me not to. He had accepted he was dying, who was I to take that from him? Tell him that he'd live only to have him slip away when I wasn't by his side. I just didn't have the heart, and for the first time in my life I didn't see the hope. Where was my joy when I needed it most?

My orange mask was soaked through, no longer orange but red. How fitting that my mask now resembled my dying brothers. I just brought him closer, ignoring the river of red life source that streamed down my battered plastron, invading every scratch and indent.

Raphael just let me hug him. I wanted to know what he was seeing, what he was feeling in his final moments. Every breath sounded that much more painful, and anyone other than Raph would have given up trying. He was bull headed, always had been.

"I love you Raphie." I buried my face deeper into the crook of his neck.

"Mike, I love ya lil' buddy." His crimson coated hand patted my cheek. "I've always loved ya."That voice. I wanted to memorize it so I'd never forget, I wanted to know everything about my big brother so none of his secrets would die with him. He'd never tell me, but that's ok. It was just a part of my brother that I loved.

"I know Raphie." I gave him the best smile I could, "I always did." My left hand clamped around his blood coated one. A twinkle of light in his shocking amber eyes. I had finally found my voice.

We lay silent together for only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. The small trail of blood that ran from his mouth told me everything. These were Raphs final seconds. The light in his eyes seemed to dim. He couldn't get a full breath in anymore, the blood in the back of his throat gargled each attempt.

"Its dark Mikey. Ya promise you're there?" This time he clutched me tighter, his fingers dug into my hand with every bit of strength my dying brother possessed.

"Im right here Raph." I kissed the top of his head, "And I wont ever let you fall."

His chest rose one final time. His breath forced from his body. His amber eyes lolled around in his head before they came to rest on me. The small smile left on his face told me I had made his final moments count, that I'd done my job.

I gently rest him on the ground before I close his unseeing eyes. I feel detached from this world, as if I'm dreaming and I'll wake up to Raph and Leo fighting in the kitchen. Donny watching the banter with his cup of coffee. Like we used to be. Used to be. The words echo in my head.

This isn't a dream, but a horrible reality me and my remaining brothers were trapped in. My tears fell, mixing with the churning remains of Raphaels blood. I laid down beside him, allowing the world to crash around me. He was gone. Gone.

I let out a whimper and wrapped myself around my big brother, invading the personal space he had always protected with a fierceness like no other. Did he have to leave me? Donny? Leo?

Were we not good enough to keep him on this mortal earth. His shell cell rang, the phone expected to be picked up by my dead brother. The brother I had my arms wrapped firmly around. He'd never say another word, never punch his stupid bag again, never insult me or question Leos authority ever again.

Life was delicate, and it took my thought to be invincible brothers untimely demise for me to realize it.

A soft rain fell upon us, wiping away the traces of Raphs death. The rain swirled amongst the crimson trails of my brother, washing them down into the sewers. Our home, the place we were supposed to be. Not here. Not dead.

We should be watching movies together, all of us. Master Splinter watching his four sons fight over the movie selection and snacks. I only snuggle closer. Raph would wake up, he'd tell me I was being a wimp and it'd be okay. We'd go home and do just what we were supposed to.

My shell cell rang, I didn't want to answer, but I did. Dons concerned voice lit up in the background.

"_Mikey! Where the shell are you and Raph. He wouldn't pick up his shell cell."_

My voice choked up, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell my remaining big brothers he was gone. My source of unbridled entertainment ended by a stupid fall. Something I could've prevented.

"_Mikey?! Whats wrong? Where are you and Raph?"_

I let out a few whimpers, praying that it would que Donny in that something was wrong.

_"Stay where you are Mikey. Me and Leo are on the way. Are you hurt?"_

"Raphie.." It barely escapes my lips. It hurts. Uttering one word depleted me of all the reserve I had been struggling to hold onto. There were murmurs in the background before Don finally came back.

"_We'll be there in five minutes Mikey. Hang onto Raph. Its gunna be ok."_

The line went dead, silent. Like the voice of my red banded brother. His thick Brooklyn accent would never be heard again. He was special, and he was gone. It wouldn't be alright. Nothing would be alright. They couldn't save him, couldn't breath life back into his dead lungs. They couldn't bring colors back into his unseeing eyes.

I summoned everything that I had, barely enough to get me sitting upright again. I grabbed his emerald green face, turned him to face and placed our foreheads together.

"You're at peace now Raph, finally free of your anger. Forever young, Raphie Boy. Forever young."

I didn't feel Leo pulling me off of Raph. I didn't hear Donny desperately calling my name. I didn't hear Leo ordering Donny to pick me up. The trip back to the lair was silent.

"Home sweet home, Raphie. Home bittersweet home."

* * *

This heart wrenching piece came from an inspiring picture on DA. I always liked the idea of Mikey holding one of his dying brothers, and I don't think I've ever read a fanfic with that in it. So I made my own. New heart anyone?


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a simple patrol. The night quiet and peaceful. All except Mikey. Leaping from spot to spot, tormenting Raph. Leo had been perched at the edge of the rooftop. He was thinking, focusing on something that would end in one of us getting our shells shellacked.

But I didn't question him, nobody did. We thought we'd all go home in one piece, all four pieces of the puzzle undamaged. That's when the shuriken embedded in the concrete beside my foot. I had spun on my heels, bo staff at the ready.

At least fifty Foot ninjas stared us down. Leo wasted no time in telling us to run, the odds weren't in our favor. The last thing I saw before me and Leo bolted down an alley was Mikey and Raph fleeing across the rooftop. Raph leading our baby brother.

It'd be the last time I saw him. Alive anyways. My immediate older brother would die in my only younger brothers hands that night. At the time I didn't know that, otherwise I would've braced all fifty foot ninjas alone to save them.

I would have gone through the most soul breaking tortures know to mankind in order to save my family, but it wasn't enough. Life was a sick sadistic bastard that fed off of our hopes and beliefs, and tonight he took so much from us.

He'd taken my Mikey's hope. Replaced it with a fire that rivaled our now dead brothers.

He'd taken my belief that I could keep us all together. What a fool I had been. Why couldn't I save him?! Was I just a pawn in his game chess? I wanted to save him, go back in time and warn myself.

But I couldn't. It was Raphs time, his essence set free into the unknown universe. Mikey'd watch, making ever moment of Raphs final time special. I don't know what really happened. Mikey wont say a word about it. He just keeps mumbling something about being forever young.

I can only imagine they had mortally wounded Raph while Mikey hid away in the shadows, waiting for his opportunity to cradle our now dead brother. I wish now it had been me, the one to watch Raphael die, to see his amber eyes close for the final time.

Mikey's paralyzed from the stress of the situation. He just lays in Raphs hammock, rocking back and forth talking about him being forever young. I wish I knew what it meant, were they Raphs final words? My curiosity was at an all time high, but I had my job and memories to get back to.

Raphs dead corpse lay on a cot in my lab. Nearly the same position Leo and I had found him in, minus the clinging younger brother on his side. It hadn't occurred to them Raph was dead. Leo had just walked up and asked Raphael what had happened. Mikey had only cried harder.

The silence was sickening. It wasn't until then did we hear Mikeys pleas and see Raphs eyes were closed for the final time. Leo had to pry our maskless baby brother off of Raph, and only then did we see the wound. The reason we had lost our brother.

He had been impaled by something, leaving a gaping hole on the lower left side of his plastron. A hunk of his plastron and shell were gone. Mikey must've pulled whatever it was out. We tried asking him, calling his name in order to get some response from him. He only stared at us, like we were crazy, mad men from another planet.

Sorrow wasn't the only thing that reflected from his baby blue eyes. Anger. Hatred. It'd be a long time before we had a shadow of our old Mikey back. If it had been me or Leo, he'd be trying to cheer us up. Instead I was watching his emotions eat him from the inside out.

Why hadn't I been there? This wasn't something our youngest should be going through alone. I should've gone with Raph, spared Mikey all this pain and turmoil. The way he shook, his random shrieks, the orange turned red mask he wrapped around his hand were all reminders I had failed him.

Even if it had been me instead of Mike, there was no way I could've saved my immediate older brother. Sure I bandaged minor cuts and bruises. Heck, I could even diagnose most known illness's, but there was no way I could've done anything about this.

A part of me screamed to open his abnormal amber eyes one last time, meet the dead gaze of my brother and memorize every last detail about them. I could remember as children, Raph had asked me to give him my brown eyes and take his yellow ones.

I had denied him, of course, but knowing that he had hated the eyes that made him unique hurt me. Did he know that everything about him was unique, made him one of the greatest brothers a turtle could ask for? I silently bowed my head and let out a sob.

I was trying to hold it in, this pain. Leo and I were trying to hold it together for Mikeys sake. Master Splinter had only hobbled back into his room, what he was doing we did not know. Mourning. Like the rest of us no doubt. He'd lost a son, and we had lost our brother.

A strong and faithful brother that cared more than he let on. He'd been so protective over us, Mikey and I the most of course, but even when he fought with Leo you could see his love for us all shining through. Did he know I loved him in his final moments? That Mikey and Leo and Master Splinter loved him?

A creaking noise behind me alerted me to the presence of my brother. Michelangelo stood there, fresh mask, a bound and determined look on his usually peaceful face. It scared me to know that this was my baby brother, but at the same time I understood.

He had witnessed our big brother die, had held him as he took his last breath. You don't just come back from that. You cant. He stepped towards me, his shoulders squared and a glare in his once sweet baby blue eyes. They were hard, angry, so much like the amber ones that had closed for the final time tonight.

He took a powerful stance in front of me, his eyes narrowed as he glanced behind me. He watched Raph like a predator stalks its prey, yearning to see just a little movement. There never would be, never again. He'd taken his last breath, said his silent goodbyes, and fled this world in one swift motion.

A dove, shackles finally gone, flying free amongst the wind and stars. I wanted to see the stars and imagine which one was Raphael, but my only baby brother needed to say something to me, cry on my shoulder, maybe even punch me in the face.

He did something I wasn't expecting, he wrapped himself around me. His beak buried in the crook of my neck, just like he had been when we found Raph. I could feel his body shaking in sorrow, his tremors of agony rolling through my own body.

"Don't ever leave me Donnie." He grasped me tighter, "Please, don't ever leave me."

He was so much stronger than I gave him credit for. I had always wanted to be more impulsive and open with my emotions, but there was a block of intelligence that told me not to. They'd see me weak, unfit to be a ninja like them, but standing here with Mikey in my arms told me differently.

It was ok to cry, there was no weakness in allowing someone with more reserve to see you break down, if anything it made you strong. You weren't afraid of showing true pain, letting others know that your heart was damaged beyond repair. My baby brother was strong, stronger than anyone I'd ever met.

The heart he had wrapped up inside his chest was of pure gold. Its why Raph had loved him so, fussed over his safety and constantly protected him. Maybe he saw something like that in me. Maybe he saw that in everyone that didn't have a purple dragon tattoo or the Foot symbol on their clothes.

The smaller body of my brother still violently shook in my arms, I wanted to comfort him so badly, but the thoughts going through my head prevented me. Mikey had always said throughout the years that deep inside Raph had been a teddy bear, and the more I thought about, the more it seemed true.

My big brother had been hotheaded and passionate, but I'd never seen him as anything more than an over protective brother. Was he more than that? If I had know my immediate older brother had been such a good judge of character I would've tried to be like him, but now there was no point.

Raph wouldn't be watching from the sidelines cheering me on like he always had. The thoughts in my head finally silenced and I snuggled close to my baby brother. He was practically a pool of tears right now.

"He's never gunna age, Donnie. Forever young." Mikey tried to move forward, reattach himself to Raphs side, but with a heavy heart I stopped him. He fought against me, squirmed forward and reached for our dead brother. I kept snapping him back to my side, shrieks of frustration breaking free from his beak each time.

Finally I just let him go, my own body racked with sobs. Each scream a reminder that he hated me. I wasn't good enough to be his big brother. This once sweet and innocent child now defiant and hateful because he had had to take my place at our brothers side. My self assigned and then abandoned place.

I hadn't noticed Leo come up behind us both, his firm but gentle hands leading Mikey back into our arms and me back to my feet. I don't even remember dropping down, but Leo must have. He always did. He was our rock.

The mirror in the corner of my lab revealed a monster. Pointed teeth and glowing red eyes looked back at me. The monster that pounded against the glass was grotesque, a vile and evil creature that didn't deserve to keep breathing.

It was me. All me. Not a single detail was wrong. I had failed my brothers, all of them. I had left Mikey. Killed Raph. Disappointed Leo and Master Splinter. I was a monster in the best of terms.

My dead brothers corpse mocked me, taunting my emotions and leaving me gasping for air. Mikey and Leo were both holding me tight. When had this nightmare become about me?

* * *

Did I do an okay job? I hope it projects as much emotion as the first chapter :)


	3. Chapter 3

Maybe I should say something. It couldn't hurt, and would probably help my two remaining brothers. Their silence is eerie. Especially Mikey. I can get one, maybe two, words from him at a time. He doesn't sleep, he doesn't eat, he only clings to Donnie like his life depends on it.

I'm trying to regain his trust. I think he blames me for what happened to our brothers. His eyes are clouded with hatred, and seeing that he only talks to Don, it must be me hates. I know him and Donnie didn't want to go out that night. I can still hear his pleas to stay home ringing in my ears.

But Raph had been more than willing, and together using our special older brother privileges, we made them. Their distaste melted away as the wind hit their faces. Mikey had just gone to pester Raph, and Don and I had been left to contemplate our plans for the evening.

I remember seeing fifty foot ninjas, but after that, the world became a blur. The next thing I know, I'm tearing a wailing Michelangelo off of a dead Raphael. He stopped talking the moment we came around. He only stared crazy eyed at us for the trip home. I held Raph. Don held Mike.

The usual sounds of the sewer could not drown out the sounds of our youngest howling in sorrow as we went home. Where we should have been. Where Mikey and Donnie had wanted to be all along. I had practically begged for silence, but now that I have it, I only want it to go away.

We had tried tucking Mikey into his own bed, but he would just scramble back up and run into Raphs room, burying himself under the old red comforter of the hammock our hot headed brother cherished. He only whispered about being forever young, and while Don didn't get it, I did.

Raph was an immortal teenager now. He'd never be an adult, he'd never know the joys that it brought. Like freedom. The blessed thing he had wanted more than anything else. He had been so close. But it was squashed like a bug under the foot of fate. My brother. My little brother. Gone.

Don had seemed pretty level headed about the whole situation. That was until he and Mikey broke down in the lab. I had walked in and Don was on the floor staring listlessly into the small cracked mirror in the corner of the room and Mikey was clutching Raph's arm sobbing gently into it.

I wish I could've joined them. Maybe tears would have convinced Mikey I regretted ever making us go out, and we could all go back to loving each other. But I just couldn't do that. They needed someone to stay strong, to wipe away all the tears, and to play the bad guy.

I don't want this. I never did. What sane person wants to be the responsible one? I love my brothers dearly, and its because of them I'm like this. Of course I'm never one to blame. I'm thankful. They've made me strong, but at what cost?

Raphael gave his leadership, his God given gift to command. The jurisdiction over others I now sickly posses. He gave up his freedom for the sake of our brothers, and he'll never know just how grateful I am.

Donatello gave his confidence. He'll never have the boisterous nature of our younger brother, or the impulsiveness of Raph. He'll lock himself away from the world, and without his brothers, he might never come out.

Michelangelo gave maturity. He's sacrificed so much. He'll never know what its like to think about things other than his silly video games and pizza. Frivolous things that hold no meaning in the real world. But it doesn't really matter, he'll never go there.

I often wonder if they'll ever realize this. Before tonight, I would've thought it'd be Raph. He seemed to have a knack for following up my realizations with his own. Now it'll never happen, like Mikey's innocence will never return, and Donatello's barely pieced together sanity is gone for good.

Of course this is my fault. I think I'm losing everything I've worked to maintain. I want to confide in Master Splinter, but standing here outside his door I just cant bring myself to knock and enter. He probably hates me. Just like Mikey.

I don't know how Donnie feels. Mikey probably does, but Mikey'll never tell me. I don't think he wants to remember me anymore. He's mentally preparing himself to detach from our broken home. I don't know if he'll take Donnie too, but if he doesn't I don't know what I'll do.

Don just sits on the couch staring listlessly at the static on the T.V. His silence I can take, but the way his intelligent brown eyes are glazed over is whats really starting to worry me. Usually they hold a gleam of inspiration, but now they're as dead as Raphaels.

Mikey sits beside him. His head rests on Don's shoulder. I always knew they had a special bond, but now I was witnessing it first hand. Mikey was keeping Don company so he wouldn't finally lose it, and in return Don was keeping Mikey from bursting into tears. They were survivors. Raph and I had been warriors.

Maybe our family had been a little too codependent. Because standing here, watching my remaining two brothers rock back in forth with their arms intertwined, I finally realize how lost I feel without Raph here by my side. We tied each other down.

I wish he could see me now. The tears sparkling in my regret filled eyes. I wish he could pull us all back together and set us straight. I can wish for so many things, but none of them will ever come to life. Because my wishes died with Raph.

I know it sounds stupid and cliche, but its true. My immediate younger brother took my ability to wish with him that night, and in a way its poetic justice. I took his command, so he finally got to take something from me. He deserved more, but I suppose he's content.

He's probably laughing at me right now in the astral plane. I can see it, the smug smirk on his face telling me I'm being stupid. I wish I could see that grin just one last time. There I go again, wishing for the impossible. I guess I should stop wishing this family back together then.

I always thought I'd be the first to go. They could live without me, I know. I'm just the bad guy. But to think it was Raph. He's finally the first at something. Just like he always wanted.


End file.
